A freshman’s nemesis: The in-class erection

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Here is a hypothetical situation:

It’s a Monday morning and a male student (let’s call him Johnny) sits at his desk taking notes. There are twenty minutes left as his professor tries to convince the class that “Victorian Aesthetics” is an important concept to understand for the final exam. Johnny begins daydreaming about taking contemporary technology back to the Victorian era just to freak people out, when Betty (the attractive blonde in the front row) stretches and yawns. The peripheral view of Betty’s lower back and thong distracts Johnny from his time-travel fantasy, but the impending erection now looming under his desk is cause for alarm. If he’s called to come to the front of the class, or it persists until the end of class, he’ll need to find a way to conceal it.

Erections happen for many reasons. Mainly due to physical or psychological stimulation, one may think every “Raging-Rodney” is due to something sexual; in Johnny’s case, this is true. However, there are a range of situations which cause unwanted erections to appear.

There is the “sitting for too long” boner, caused by long periods of immobility; the “pre-coffee mo-bo,” a variant on the morning boner, which occurs about an hour after waking because the individual is still in the same frame of grogginess; the “baffled by awesomeness” boner is rare, but when witnessing something mind-blowing it’s not uncommon for some men to become half-erect; and the “I’ve had to pee for the last thirty minutes” boner occurs if a man has had to wait for an appropriate time to urinate.

Needless to say, inappropriate erections (or No-apparent-reason-boners-NARB) plague the male existence. There are a variety of other reasons a man may encounter untimely erections, but the nagging question here is what to do when dealing with an in-class NARB

In Johnny’s case, he shouldn’t call attention to the situation. It’s a lot harder (pun intended) to conceal a fresh “pants-banana” if he suddenly looks panicked and concerned. The calmer Johnny stays, the sooner it goes away.

Distraction is his next step. He needs to think of something other than Betty’s bodacious body and replace those thoughts with their opposition. So, instead of beautiful Betty, Johnny should think ugly or unattractive thoughts, like swimming with grandparents or visualizing oral diseases. Once the mind is far away from the arousing subject matter, Johnny will be on the cusp of flaccidity.

Alas, Betty has pulled a tootsie-pop from her backpack and is attempting to see how many licks it takes to get to the center. Johnny was close, but he now needs to resort to extreme measures. He has five minutes left in class and so, getting rid of this “stiff-Stallone” has now become his top priority. Re-routing blood-flow might be his only hope. Johnny should, at this point, pinch, slap or rub his forearm vigorously. This will confuse the brain and send blood somewhere other than his penis.

Just as he starts applying this method, his professor calls class early and students start packing their things and shuffling toward the door. If Johnny is to leave the classroom now, he has two options left, both equally risky. The first is using his textbook as a shield, but he did not buy his textbooks yet because his student loan is lost in the mail.

The final protocol, which should only be applied in the most extreme situations, is known simply as the “waist-band tuck.” Johnny, with the situational awareness of a ninja now adjusts his bulging apparatus vertical, tucking it into his waistband. Successful, John walks calmly to the bathroom and no one is the wiser.


Emily is in her fourth year of Political Science. She loves studying and academics which follows into her research work. She's a stern black coffee drinker and is a proud Acadienne. When she's not working or doing school work, you can find Emily listening to 70s music on vinyl and watching Parks and Recreation. If you ask her about parliamentary institutions, she won't stop talking.