Ask LolaWhen people hear that I volunteer in the Sexual Health Center, I always get asked about questions that are affecting students’ sex lives. Many encounters with students here on campus, as well as in online forums, seem to produce the same questions (sometimes worded a little differently but similar nonetheless). So here are a few inquiries I face on a regular basis.
Dear Lola, my boyfriend is interested in anal sex. As in, me performing anal sex on him with a strap on. Does this mean he’s gay? Should I be worried?
NO! You have no need to be worried. Anal sex is no longer the taboo topic it once was and many women find it a pleasurable experience. Lots of advice is given to women on how to deal with the request from their partners, how to say no if they aren’t interested and how to be safe and have fun if she did happen to be interested.
What isn’t discussed as much is the phenomenon of straight males enjoying anal stimulation. It may not seem likely, but there are many straight men who do like to be “pegged.” Having worked at an adult video and toy store for a few years, I quickly got over my amazement at the number of hetero couples who wanted some type of strap on for the lady to use on her male mate. Why? Doesn’t liking a dildo or a finger up his bum mean a guy is gay? NO!
Let’s get one thing straight: if you’re a guy who is sexually attracted to other men, you are homosexual. If you’re a guy who is sexually attracted to women, you’re heterosexual. It doesn’t matter what you want your partner to do to you, what matters is who you’re actually attracted to. If it’s vital to label sexuality at all (and many people think that there’s no need to statically label sexual preference, but that’s a discussion for another day) then heterosexuals like members of the opposite sex and homosexuals like members of the same sex. It doesn’t matter where they want their partners to put it.
Okay? Got it? So if you and your partner are curious about pegging, then go ahead and explore! It can be a lot of fun for both parties involved.
Dear Lola, I am a 22 year old guy and I have never had sex. I haven’t had an actual girlfriend and have never gotten past feeling a girl up at high school parties. What do I do? Won’t women get freaked out when they discover I am a virgin?
This is a tough one. I come from a generation when being a 22 year old virgin wasn’t a rarity. I have a suspicion that there are many more members of the V club than you suspect.
One source states that 29 per cent of males aged 15-24 are virgins. Contrary to what you might think, that number had actually increased over the past 10 years, from 22 per cent in 2002. So you’re not alone. Over a quarter of males in your age group are virgins as well, (and the number of females is even higher).
That doesn’t necessarily relieve the anxiety and apprehension at feeling that you are missing out. Especially when faced with the idea of a partner who is more experienced.
So should you just take the plunge and pay someone to take your virginity? My advice is no. The thought of removing the pressure may be appealing, but really think it through. Should everything go well, you had sex and enjoyed it and now you’re stuck knowing what you’re missing, still unable to get sex because you didn’t solve the root problem. Should everything not go well, your first experience will now always be remembered as a negative one.
The root of the issue is meeting females who may turn into sexual partners. The best advice here is to get involved! Get out and join a club or organization on campus, start a hobby and join a related group, or socialize with friends and make an effort to connect with new people.
By expanding your social circle you increase your likelihood of meeting someone that is interested in you as well and won’t be freaked out at your (not so unique after all) situation. Don’t dwell on your sexual status, your confidence will grow and what woman doesn’t want a confident man?
Dear Lola, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It has been three months and I still can’t seem to get over it. I don’t know what went wrong and he doesn’t want to talk about it. What can I do?
Breakups are hard. They hurt both parties, but when someone gets dumped it can feel even worse. When long term relationships end, it’s life changing. Your day-in and day-out habits change because someone who was very important to you isn’t there anymore. There is a hole and it can make you feel very empty.
The first thing you need to do is understand that as much as you want an explanation, you may not get one. Sometimes, when something doesn’t work out, we want to examine it and solve the problem. We want to know how to make it better. Unfortunately, relationships take two people and if the other half is not interested in fixing things, there’s no chance. So the best thing you can do is just let go.
Let go? Oh, it’s that easy? No. I’m not saying it’s easy. It can be one of the hardest things you’ll face. You can do it. The sun will rise tomorrow and you can face it. Accept that you can’t change your ex’s feelings. Letting go can be freeing.
You also need to start filling your time with something new. Start a workout plan, join a yoga group or make a goal to run in a marathon. Exercise has been shown to help with many depression symptoms. Start a new hobby. Getting out and meeting new people will allow you to fill the space left by your missing partner. Reconnect with friends you might have neglected during your relationship.
Make the effort to look good, even when you don’t feel it. Trick yourself into thinking you’re feeling fabulous by looking fabulous; pretty soon you’ll actually be feeling fabulous again. As time passes, you’ll find yourself no longer needing your ex. The efforts you’ve made to look and feel good, to be active and pursuing your interests will make you irresistible to someone new.
Well, that’s all for this time, stay tuned for my next round of advice when I’ll be tackling questions about oral sex, IUD’s and whether or not ladies should shave their nether-regions. Make sure to ha