What to listen to while you have sex: Five sexy albums

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To elaborate, this is the goofy side of me that I keep bottled up. What you’re about to read is questionably disturbing, maybe a bit funny, but mostly just gross. Put these albums on and have some fun.  

An Awesome Wave by Alt J(∆) 

This is an album that I listen to a lot and talk about a lot and ramble on about a lot because it’s really, really, really good. As you listen to it from start to finish so many times, you can actually sort of feel like each instrument is a string guiding your body, flowing from within, with each peaceful harmony. And it’s glorious to listen to while having sex.

With each instrument you notice something new about your partner’s body and how it moves and reacts. The pace changes so much, but in a good way, like it’s timed to come in at the right moment when you’re thinking to yourself whether you left the stove on. Usually I did, which is another conversation (which is timed with one of the interludes, crazy how it works out). But then we’re back at it and it’s moist.

Novo Piano by Philip Glass

There’s a romantic lust in everyone and nobody seems to ever realize it. Romantic novels are not written by Asexual frogs, but by romantic and passionate people. This is what this album does, it clues you in to the subtle beauties of her body, her eyes and her life.

Say no to one night stands, it’s not ever worth the effort. Get a serious partner, have some class and don’t be ashamed to tell your parents, after all they did have sex and make you, so it’s really not a taboo issue.

Anyway, this album is just one pianist doing covers of a wider variety of songs and they all have such passion and beauty in them. The last time I listened to it I had it playing next to a big open window, candles and a beautiful woman. And then we went at it like rabbits, so you know I did well.

Self Titled, Death From Above 1979

I saw these guys live in Moncton not too long ago and honestly, every chick there was just dripping. You could smell it in the air; it was pretty gross. The guy I was standing next to lit up a cigarette and I was all “Niiiice,” (like an after-sex cigarette, which you shouldn’t have, because it’s gross), but then it clued in to the big security guard that we were indoors. So the smoker dude got whooped and kicked out which was cool to see.

There was a mosh pit, but honestly, it might as well have been an orgy. Everyone was so pushy and sweaty. When I got home that night I was on fire and went straight to Google images and turned off safe search. 

Pro-tip: Sexy Results (Track# 11) leads to sexy results.

Mezzanine by Massive Attack

To me this song just makes me want to be dirty and really sink my teeth into it. Every beat is timed so perfectly for the thrust that keeps you going and going, it’s straight up scandalous how sexy this album is. It’s also an extremely good album and really should be essential in any collection no matter who you are and really nothing turns me on more than a woman with good taste in music. Except girls doing a bachelor of science, because knowledge is power and power is sexy.

Reptilians by STRFCKR

I don’t know about you guys but I like slapping butts sometimes. Not in public, that’s just rude and embarrassing, but when you’re all snuggled up and she reaches over to check her phone and it’s just in your face and you can’t help it. Then the jiggle is all in slow motion and you can’t help but do it again, just to see how many you can get away with.

That is what that this album does for me; it has a really cool bass groove that carries throughout the entire album and makes you notice every rhythmic movement of her body (or his). It hypnotizes you and you become so lost in the moment. It’s blissful, but fast and above all, passionate.