How to cover up your sweat-@$$

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Do you suffer from “swass?”

It’s September, which means it’s time for that awkward summer-fall transition. We’re back to school but early September still brings summer temperatures on occasion and the poorly air conditioned buildings on campus (here’s looking at you Hazen Hall!) can lead to a devastating condition known as sweat ass.

Sw-ass can be a source of humiliation and discomfort for all involved, so in this article, I’d like to offer some tips to keep your behind powder fresh, or at least hide the sweat of shame.

Dress for success and choose something that breathes. Cotton underwear should do the trick. They may not be the most flattering, but neither is a sweaty butt crack. If you’re really prone to a little morning dew, try dark coloured pants, like black or denim, for added protection. Wearing khakis is just asking for trouble.

Be sure to choose your seat wisely! Steer clear of black or hard plastic chairs and if given the choice, go for fabric as it’s most absorbent (gross, I know, but at least people won’t know about your devastating condition). Lacking fabric, light coloured chairs are next in line; they’re your best to hide the swamp you’ve got going on down there.

It’s all in the way you move: Be sure to slide off your seat, don’t stand up directly and leave a puddle, that’s a rookie mistake! Also, make sure you get up and move around as much as possible during the day to air out your behind stop the swass from getting out of hand

For severe cases of swass, powder is your friend! Try using an absorbent powder to soak up some of the funk. You could go for talcum powder, Gold Bond or even plain old baby power, but be careful not to get it all over the aforementioned dark pants that you’ll be wearing.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you’re prone to swass, you may want to carry a set of clean clothes in your locker, your book bag or your car for times of uncontrollable swass. And remember, there’s hope; the refreshing breezes of autumn are not too far away!

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