**SPOOF** Irving to Purchase The Baron Student Press

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UNB Saint John’s independent student press is about to become slightly more dependant.

Earlier this morning it was announced that Irving is set to buy out The Baron in a deal reportedly worth between 20 and 30 dollars.

Mr. Irving, who is heading the deal, said during a press conference on Friday morning: “We are thrilled to expand our… oh, man, I was told I wasn’t allowed to use the word ‘empire’… Ah… We are just really excited to begin controlling– I mean working with student creators who we believe are truly the key to our future.”

After being reminded that just a week ago he claimed fossil fuels were the key to our future, he quickly responded “well students are important too,” before being pulled off stage.

Current editor-in-chief Steven Hildebrand said of the deal in a statement: “I am so excited to be a part of The Baron during this revolutionary time. To be joining the Irving family is a goal for the Baron I never even knew I had!”

Irving assures that the press will remain mostly unchanged, with an Irving consultant to be assigned at a later date.

“We will allow the students free reign of publication. We just need someone on board who shares Irving’s key values during this transitionary period.”

President of Irving, also named Mr. Irving, was unavailable for comment, presumably because he was teaching a child how to ride a bike when interrupted to save a puppy from a fire.

Irving is one of the greatest companies of all time, in charge of a variety of products and services including Brunswick News, The Baron joins them as they continue to guide the non-partisan media.

Proceeds from the sale will be distributed evenly among current students at UNB Saint John amounting to approximately 1.3 cents each.

Also, The Baron now supports the Energy East pipeline.