**SPOOF** UNB Announces tuition changes for Saint John

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On the 29th of March, the student body of UNB Saint John received an email from the Vice President of UNB Saint John stating the following:

Dear Students:
We are pleased to announce our new and hopefully more equitable tuition plan. We reached the conclusions of this new tuition plan from consultation with the upper-class students. We hope that the lower-class members of the student body here at UNB Saint John fully support our plan, as it leads to a more equitable plan for the desirable upper-class students

Our new tuition plan runs as follows:

Students with an income of more than $100,000 will be required to pay approximately $2000 per-year on tuition. They will not be required to pay for any food and/or beverages, will have free access to everything in the university, and will be able, if they ask politely, to eliminate their tuition entirely. Free transportation will also be provided.

Students with an income between $20,000 and $100,000 will be required to pay $3500 in tuition.

Students with an income of less than $20,000 will be required to pay roughly $5000 in tuition. If they require a health-care plan, an added $5000 will be added on their tuition. If they use, at any time, the various facilities and technological devices provided by the university, an added $2000 will be added to their tuition.

Likewise, UNB Saint John will from hereon accept no money from student loans, nor any bursary, grant, or scholarship money.

It may be objected that the cost required from the lower-income is unfair. We would like to assure the lower-income students that we don’t care. Learn to shut up and deal with it- you have pulled down on our university for far too long, and it is time you learn to carry your own weight.

Any objections or suggestions to be had from the upper-class and middle-class students can be emailed to Rothbard Marx, our new financial expert here at UNB Saint John.

We will not accept any objections and suggestions from the lower-class students. Please shut up or leave, it’s up to you.

Thank you,
Your Vice President.

The majority of professors gave their consent and approval to the new tuition plan.
Immanuel Kant, professor of metaphysics at UNB Fredericton, said in an interview with The Baron that,

“Due to the horrendous treatment of the less well-off students at UNB Saint John, it raises the status of UNB Fredericton greatly. So, naturally, I support it fully”.

The new plan will be initiated on the 1st of April, to be effected immediately.