In a move that surprised literally everyone, UNB Saint John’s own basketball team won the 2016-2017 NBA championship against the Toronto Raptors last night.
“When I got the news that the Seawolves won the NBA championship for this season, a full on guffaw escaped me,” says Teddy Canbull, UNB president, to The Baron.
“I didn’t even know we even were competing in the NBA, let alone playing that night,” says Seawolves forward Falsey McFakename. “One minute I was sleeping at 2 in the morning, and the next I’m holding the trophy above my head in front of tens of thousands of roaring people.”
Adam Pewter, NBA commissioner, states that “I didn’t even know the Seawolves existed and I have no idea what just happened.”
According to an anonymous source, an intoxicated referee was the orchestra behind this unexpected and never-before-heard of occurrence.
The head coach for the Toronto Raptors indicated late last night that the final game was supposed to be between the Toronto Raptors and the Golden State Warriors. However, the Golden State Warriors could not make it due to food poisoning induced by uncooked and unseasoned escargot. Classic mistake.
This referee, according to the anonymous source, made a five dollar bet with another referee that a game was to happen that night after hearing about the food poisoning incident and before the Warriors officially forfeited their slot. When he learned that the Golden State Warriors weren’t going to be able to make it to the game, he drank a lot of alcohol and then bought a jet, as one does.
After using a random letter generator to get the letters “Waevsolse”, he realized he made an anagram for Seawolves (this referee has a way with words – but only when he’s drunk), googled Seawolves, found out they exist, and flew them to Washington, D.C. to play. For some reason, the Toronto Raptors, the NBA, the Golden State Warriors, and everyone else involved were okay with this and, well, here we are.
Although the Toronto Raptors were pummeling the Seawolves by as much as 90 points during the first three quarters of the game, at the end of the fourth quarter, the Wolves made a remarkable recovery, ultimately winning with 101 points against the Raptors’ 100.
“I’ve never seen a team play so horribly for ¾ of a game, only to be spectacular at the end,” says a player for the Toronto Raptors who wishes to remain anonymous. But it was Kyle Lowry. “It just goes to show that you never really know a person. Or, a group of people.”
When asked what it’s like losing to an unknown team, that same player said “I have my contract money and like four advertising deals lined up so it’s fine.”
The NBA subsequently took away the Wolves’ championship, banned them from ever playing in an NBA event ever again, and fired the referee who brought them to D.C. as well as all NBA executives.
Don’t worry, Wolves. You’re still winners to us.