The “Fifty Shades” curse: why men should fear Christian Grey

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Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s a book like no one has ever seen before… at least on the bestseller list.

For years, erotic novels have been sitting quietly on their reserved shelves at the back of the bookstore, waiting for mothers to distract their children so that they could sneak in and grab the next serial novel without being noticed.

It’s not like book-porn hasn’t existed before, but for some reason this story and it’s unassuming title has found its way into the hands of moms, wives and girlfriends everywhere and for once, they aren’t hiding it behind the latest issue of Cosmo. This means two things: first, an author has finally created the perfect man—deliciously sexy, ridiculously intelligent and great in the sack… or with a pair of handcuffs, apparently, causing the next factor to come into play:

Every sexually frustrated woman on the planet has taken to the novel and judging by the sales records, the number of unfulfilled ladies out there has hit an all-time-high.

In other words: it’s seriously bad news for the male population. This is for you, boys. If you come home from work and find the gray necktie picture cover sitting open on your lady-friend’s bedside table, you’re in trouble. We’re talking “woman in love with a fictional character” trouble and that’s the worst kind.

It’s called the “Disney Movie Curse” and it has plagued every female whose parents let her watch Cinderella before the age of five. It gives little girls false hope that their perfect cartoon prince will come and sweep them off of their feet one day, resulting in the setting of unreachable standards that even real life nobles can’t match.

The one defence mechanism men had was sex—Disney movies don’t talk about the dirty, so you’ve got something different to woo her with. At least you did, until E.L. James came out with her BDSM fantasy. It’s the Cinderella of the bedroom and though some couples have said it has done wonders for their sex life, most women are complaining that the regular routine just isn’t doing it for them anymore.

Some say, according to “Mission: Husband,” that they haven’t looked at their boyfriend the same way since Christian Grey stepped onto the scene. Some have even pictured getting wild in the shower with the supernaturally handsome businessman while making love to their significant others. Another few have actually put off sex because they weren’t getting what they wanted.

Blue balls is reaching epidemic status; we’ve got an international crisis on our hands.

Things like this really make you think. The imagination is endless and can conjure up the wildest and most perfect scenarios in ten seconds flat. We’ve all been taught the difference between fantasy and reality, yet we base our opinions of others—and their…ahem… performance—on things we’ve read in books. Women find themselves fawning over words on a page, basing their expectations on something that is literally physically impossible to achieve.

Not to mention the fact that books like this are degrading to women everywhere.

Of course, men aren’t off the hook either; the internet is a big place, after all and the first time they realize that their girlfriend’s boobs aren’t made of plastic is probably really disappointing.

Women get prince charming, men get porn. It’s no wonder no one is satisfied anymore.

We really should stop setting standards based on poorly written fan-fiction and video-camera sex-capades. Of course, the chances of that happening any time soon are slim to none; after all, Fifty Shades did outsell Harry Potter.

On that note, you’re doomed.