Ah, the Oscars. A time honored tradition where Hollywood’s richest and most privileged gather to celebrate one another’s rich and privileged achievements. And what a year to celebrate!
Unlike past years, it is not easy to predict the best picture winner with analysts predicting a three-way race between Spotlight, The Big Short, or The Revenant with some even speculating a lesser-recognized film like Room could win as a result of a split vote. This level of uncertainty hasn’t been seen since the 87th Academy Awards when Birdman and Boyhood were in a tight race. This year is truly one-of-a-kind!
But this show isn’t all about the Best Picture, folks! This year may finally see something diehard fans have wanted for decades. You know where I’m going with this. After countless projects and performances worthy of infinite praise and recognition, a household name may finally receive their gold. That’s right, this may finally be the year Lady Gaga wins an Oscar.
Oh yeah, and Leonardo DiCaprio too. For his role in The Revenant, good ol’ Leo may prove once and for all that the only way to win an Oscar is sleeping in a horse carcass in Alberta, or as the locals call it: “hazing”.
As much fun and games they may seem, the Oscars do carry a major responsibility for the viewers. Since it isn’t the Golden Globes and the celebrities aren’t permitted to drink, we need to do the heavy lifting ourselves.
So put on those sweatpants, break open a bottle (or nine), grab a jar of mayo, and get drinking for the whitest night of the year!
Take one drink every time…
- You hear the word “prestigious”.
- Chris Rock jokes about Kanye West.
- Chris Rock jokes about Bill Cosby.
- Chris Rock jokes about Kanye West AND Bill Cosby.
- A Donald Trump reference is made.
- Every time Carol is snubbed.
- Every time Mad Max is snubbed.
- Charlotte Rampling shows up.
- People finding Eddie Redmayne dressing as a woman HILARIOUS!
- Someone ignores the playoff music.
- Chris Rock wears a ridiculous costume.
- A winner begins to exit the wrong direction.
- There’s an embarrassing mispronunciation.
- JULIANNE MOORE!!!!
- You actually saw one of the movies nominated.
- Jennifer Lawrence does something embarrassing and/or is the butt of another joke.
- They leave someone important out of the “In Memoriam”.
- A black presenter presents an award to a white person.
Take two drinks if…
- Leonardo DiCaprio loses another Oscar. Better luck next time!
- Lady Gaga wins an Oscar
- 8 or more people go on stage to accept a single award
- Lily Tomlin EGOTs (that’s right, we made it a verb)
- They’re running overtime.
- You remember award shows are meaningless
- You forget a winner that was announced an hour ago
- A white person draws attention to #OscarsSoWhite.
- “Is it almost midnight yet?”
Finish your drink every time…
- You remember you have class in the morning
BONUSES:
- Start drinking at the beginning of the Academy’s speech and stop at the end.
- Start drinking at the beginning of “In Memoriam” and go until the end.
- Drink more.
- Drink a lot more.
Happy Oscars, everyone enjoy the show!
